25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier I shouted Stop! but if anything that made it worse. Ironically, thats how he lost his job in disaster relief.Mark Watson (2014), I really wish ISIS would stop playing violent video games and listening to Marilyn Manson. Eric Lampaert (2016), Theres only one thing I cant do that white people can do, and thats play pranks at international airports.Nish Kumar (2014), How do people make new mates? billed as a blockbuster simply because of the amount of one-liners in just a few minutes. 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners Whoever they are, I hope theyre happy Richard Stott, Whats driving Brexit? He is known for delivering them in a slightly deadpan manner. Things got a little tense. Riveting! Stewart Francis, 100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny), People who like trance music are very persistent. By choice. From here it looks like its probably the Duke of Edinburgh Milton Jones, A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. Its not my fault, its a condition. Dinner is on me! Its called Back to the Fuhrer! Des Bishop (2016), My Mum was always saying that thing parents say growing up Wait until your dad gets home. I was the only thing between H and JK. Simon Evans, Im entering the worlds tightest hat competition. TCIN: 87647644. Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club (2019 Video) Plot Showing all 0 items Jump to: Summaries It looks like we don't have any Plot Summaries for this title yet. Now, for the first time, comes the first collection of his finest jokes. The barman says: Ill serve you, but dont start anything.. Today someone told me that I look good with a salt n pepper beard, so I took that as a condiment. ' Paul F. Taylor (2016), If you dont know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. Ian Smith (2015), Insomnia is awful. Replace your weakest material with better new stuff its an ongoing process. The study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry. Gary Delaney is a razor sharp one-liner comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the circuit. 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes The ability to comment on our stories is a privilege, not a right, however, and that privilege may be withdrawn if it is abused or misused. About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Add a photoor add a quote. What do you call a pig that knows karate? Its been 11 years since Dave launched the Funniest Joke of the Fringe award, and there have been some worthy winners over the years. He said: Those are pickled onions.. A man ran up to me shouting, Big hole in the ground full of water, big hole in the ground full of water, but at least he means well. 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults But it all just sounded like haw he saw he haw he haw. Age One Liners. I was in a fancy lingerie shop and I said are these knickers satin, they said no theyre new. 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners We couldnt afford a dog. Gary Delaney (2010), Money cant buy you happiness? As a subscriber, you are shown 80% less display advertising when reading our articles. No, Im kidding I dont have a licence. Felicity Ward (2012), I was very naive sexually. 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners Here's where to see Gary next: OCTOBER 2019: Wednesday 9 th: Royal Spa Centre, Leamington. 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes A Mock The Week regular and recent star of the new Live At The Apollo series, Gary's shows are renowned in the business for a near unrivalled volume of high . 2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. Just hope I can pull it off. William Andrews, Why are they calling it Brexit when they could be calling it The Great British Break Off? Alex Edelman, Words cant express how much I hate World Emoji Day. Christian Talbot, Someone stole my antidepressants. Be the first to contribute! I keep about one in 20 of the jokes I write, so I have to write and test over 4,000 to make a new tour show.. Thats 20 cows' Jake Lambert, A thesaurus is great. GAGSTER'S PARADISE. Theres no way he could write a book. Frankie Boyle, You know youre working class when your TV is bigger than your book case. Rob Beckett, Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. 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The Trash House actor is 47 years old as of April 16, 2020. 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes Its been a tough week, I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now its trying to blackmail me. The barman says: Sorry, we dont serve food in here., A jumplead walks into a bar. 25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags But not on snow day. Youll look at your iPhone 5 and think, it used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on. Athena Kugblenu (2017), I had a job drilling holes for water it was well boring. Leo Kearse (2018), Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day. Adam Rowe (2018), I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. November 2019 (5) October 2019 (6) September 2019 (5) August 2019 (5) July 2019 (6) June 2019 (4) May . They charged one and let the other one off. 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother. Adam Hess (2016), My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. Darren Walsh (2015), My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, Hurry up! because I didnt want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, The 17 year old defendant, who hasnt been named. Jenny Collier (2016), Ive always considered myself more of a lover than a fighter. Because they might peel! He is known for his role as a writer for Birmingham-based FM radio station Kerrang! Theres no way he could write a book Frankie Boyle, Ive given up asking rhetorical questions. Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I find them quite re-markable. ' Peter Kay, I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. There would never be an Escalator Temporarily Out of Order sign, only Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Mitch Hedberg, If I was an Olympic athlete, Id rather come in last than win the silver medal. 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes Im in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite one jar. Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? One says: How do you drive this thing? It was Wedgie Kray. I thought: Bloody hell, how longs the aisle going to be. Paul McCaffrey(2014), Golf is not just a good walk ruined, its also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined. John Luke-Roberts (2016), Feminism is not a fad. Its like a normal hotel, only in reception theres a picture of a pebble. Rhod Gilbert, Life is like a box of chocolates. Theres just you and an audience and no editor to cut out the bits that dont work. They dated for a while before moving in 2013 and tying the knot at the end of the same year, in December. This morning I made a Belgian waffle, in the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk rubbish. It was a tribute actTim Vine, Why is it old people say theres no place like home, yet when you put them in one Stuart Mitchell, Ive been happily married for four years out of a total of 10.Mark Watson, Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.Mark Smith, I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasnt much use. He woke up. Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.Paul F Taylor (2014), My father was never sexist, he beat my brothers and I equally. Njambi McGrath (2016), The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. 1.4M views, 9.6K likes, 306 loves, 931 comments, 3.1K shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Gary Delaney: This Summer I recorded two old tour shows LIVE at Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool. Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick Andrew Lawrence (2008), Doctor, doctor! 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips I can change.. A comedians comedian, who else does he admire on the comedy circuit these days? Emo Philips, Steven Wright, Milton Jones, Mitch Hedberg, Max Miller, Ken Dodd, Henny Youngman, Bob Monkhouse and Rodney Dangerfield. Those ads you do see are predominantly from local businesses promoting local services. 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners that will make everyone laugh 100 of the best bad jokes that will make you cringe 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding 50 of. Contact lenses.Zoe Lyons, Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. My Uncles a lion tamer, when he went bankrupt they took nearly everything, but at least hes still got his pride. How do you know if theres an elephant under your bed? You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. 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